The Four Agreements: Chapter 4. The Third Agreement Summary & Analysis

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When we make assumptions, Ruiz says, we believe they are the truth. We assume we know what other people think or feel and we subsequently blame them and send “emotional poison” their way. Making assumptions just creates problems and drama, and we should avoid doing that. As such, the third agreement is, “don’t make assumptions.” Often, we are “afraid to ask for clarification,” so we make assumptions that we defend and base gossip on. We try to prove that we are right and others are wrong, which creates a whole lot of suffering. Ruiz thinks it’s always better to ask than to assume.

Ruiz’s third agreement also focuses on cultivating freedom from fear, because not making assumptions means the same thing as not being afraid to ask for clarity and not being afraid to communicate one’s own needs. Agreeing not to make assumptions, therefore, facilitates healthy communication between people and limits the chance of conflict due to misunderstandings.

The chaos in our minds causes us to misinterpret everything: we only see and hear what we want to believe and we dream things up all the time that have no basis in reality. For example, imagine you see someone you like in the mall and they smile at you. From this smile you could assume they like you, which might lead you to imagine yourself in a relationship with that person and perhaps to even fantasize about your wedding. We do this sort of thing all the time, Ruiz says.

Ruiz’s third agreement aims to limit the amount of blind interpretation going on in a person’s day to day life so that they don’t build false expectations. False expectations are problematic because they give too much power to the perception of reality that a person dreams up—Ruiz wants to flip the script so that people start controlling their perceptions, rather than being controlled by them.

A lot of problems in relationships come from making assumptions: we often assume our partners know what we’re thinking or what we want, and get upset when they don’t. We assume that our friends, family, and other important people know us so well that we don’t have to communicate what we want, then we get upset when those people don’t read our minds. Ruiz thinks we make assumptions because we believe it's not safe to ask questions. Our biggest assumption is thinking that everyone else thinks the way we do. We are afraid to be ourselves around others because we are afraid that they will judge, blame, and criticize us the way we judge, blame, and criticize ourselves.

Ruiz emphasizes that many assumptions are rooted in the fear of communicating. Both the fear of making one’s one needs known and the fear of asking for clarity about somebody else’s needs are rooted in the same fear of being judged for expressing oneself. Self-expression, for Ruiz, is a manifestation of freedom, so agreeing not to assume is also an agreement to express oneself freely and without fear.

We also often make assumptions about ourselves that cause internal conflict. For example, you overestimate yourself or underestimate yourself because you haven’t taken the time to ask yourself questions about the situation you face. Often, when we get into relationships, we see the things we like about the other person and ignore the things we don’t like. We also assume we can change the things we don’t like and get upset when the person doesn’t change. That isn’t real love, according to Ruiz —real love is accepting someone just the way they are. If someone wants to change you, they don’t really love you. It’s much better to agree that you’ll stay with someone if they accept you as you are but that you’ll leave if they don’t. This may sound harsh, but that style of communication is more “impeccable,” as per the first agreement .

Ruiz now addresses assumptions that are rooted in overestimating or underestimating one’s own abilities (including overestimating how much power a person has to change someone else). These assumptions are problematic because they also trigger false expectations about what a person can do. When personal expectations aren’t met, they trigger self-criticism and self-rejection. Expectations in general don’t come from a place of love, since true love means accepting a person just the way they already are.

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Ruiz says the easiest way to stop making assumptions is to ask questions. You should, he believes, ask as many questions as you need until you are clear—then you won’t need to assume anything because you’ll already know the truth. You’ll be able to communicate clearly, your relationships will change, and your word will be “impeccable.” Instead of assuming someone knows what you want, tell them what you want. Ruiz even thinks that all human problems would be solved if everyone communicated clearly and didn’t make assumptions.

Ruiz believes that the fear of communicating (which lies at the root of making assumptions) must be tackled head on. A person has to become comfortable with asking questions—of themselves and others—by doing it so often that their fear starts to dwindle. Asking questions also feeds the first agreement, because the more a person knows about a situation, the less likely they are to say false things about it.

It’s hard to stop making assumptions because it’s our habit to assume. So, first, we need to be aware of habits, then we need to act differently—over and over again—until we form new habits. Ruiz thinks that if you make this agreement a habit, you will transform from a “black magician” into a “white magician” and you’ll master your intent, spirit, love, gratitude, and life itself. This mastery, which puts you on the path to freedom, is the goal of the Toltec.

Ruiz emphasizes that agreements don’t change overnight. People’s behaviors need to become habitual, like second nature, for a transformation of their worldview to happen. This takes time and patience, but Ruiz reassures the reader here that it will be worth the effort.

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